THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IN THE BAFAW CLAN

“Elem e Bafaw er Uwir”/ Uwir u Nkie”

                                                                                               By Akwo Elonge

   

     I am compelled by a few reasons to write this piece on the institution of marriage among the Bafaw in Kumba, Meme Division in the South West Province of Cameroon. For our children who are born here in America, Europe and other parts of Africa and the world, the Bafaw clan comprises of peoples who inhabit ten (10) villages in the South West region of the Republic of Cameroon. Prominent among these villages are: Kokobuma, Dikome, Bolo, Kombone, Kurume, Ikiliwindi, Mambanda, Dieka, Njanga and Kumba. Most of the Bafaw villages are located along what is popularly known as Mamfe Road., and Kumba is the most important Bafaw town and it is also the most populated. It is popularly known and “K-Town.”

     The first reason for addressing this issue now is that many of the young Bafaw children have never witnessed a Bafaw traditional marriage and neither have their parents educated them on the process. Secondly, and legitimately so, many of us have began to downplay the importance of traditional marriages in favor of other types of marriages, while, some have taken upon themselves to degrade the institution of traditional marriage in the African tradition. Lastly, some of our young ones have made a conscious effort to inquire about traditional marriage and it is therefore our duty to inform and educate them, should they one day, decide to marry according to the Bafaw traditions and customs.

     Before I continue, I must first of all, make a disclaimer. I am not an expert on this subject and many may question some of the statements and issues that I address in this essay. Also, I am fully aware that as many as there are Bafaw villages, so too do the marriage practices vary, as we move from one village to the other. In fact, the requirements for the ceremony may also vary, depending on the situation, the magnanimity of the in-laws (woman’s family), the timing and place of the marriage ceremony, etc. But in essence, there are fundamental principles of Bafaw marriage tradition and customs, and it is to these that I will focus on.

                                                                                                                                                    What I will attempt to capture here is the essence of the processes involved and the importance and need for all Bafaw children to try to go through this process. I am not in any way saying that Bafaw traditional marriage is more important than any other types of marriages, but I am convinced as a Bafaw man that it is important for all Bafaw children and all those who find the practice useful in their lives, to marry following the dictates of the tradition. Why is it important to do so? It is important because it legitimizes the marriage spiritually in the eyes of God (Diu/Obase/Shi Sir) and at the realm of the ancestors of that family and the clan; it also legitimizes the relationship in the eyes of the living elders, family members, friends and the community. Most importantly, it gives the two who are to be married the peace of mind that is necessary for them to live happily together without attributing any mishaps in the marriage to the anger of family members and/or the ancestors.

Significance of the Traditional Marriage

Among the Bafaw, the traditional marriage is a sacred institution with deep spiritual and physical implications. Of course, our God (Diu/Obase/Shi Sir) has made it possible for us to be born, and so too, did God (Diu) make it possible for our parents who came before us, and those yet to be born who would come after us. Therefore, according to the Bafaw tradition, the primary reason for marriage is to procreate. Children are therefore the products of a happy union between two or more married people. I say two or more individuals because in our Bafaw tradition it is not uncommon for some men to practice polygamy. But polygamy is optional and not compulsory in the culture. It is a matter of choice and not a traditional injunction. Contrary to the misperceptions regarding the institution of polygamy, in that it is primarily because men love sex too much, or they wanted many children to work in their farms as slaves, there are two reasons why this tradition prevailed in many African traditions. First, in the past, life expectancy was very low due to the lack of medical services. Therefore it was not uncommon for men to have large families for fear that the other children would not live long because so many children died at an early age. Secondly, a lot of men died in wars resulting in the over abundance of women in these societies. Therefore, polygamy became an accepted norm which was rather a matter of personal choice than a traditional imperative. In fact, I am indeed a child of a polygamous home.

Starting the Process: Courtship (Eningan/Ndolo)

     Now supposing that you are a young Bafaw man (mpala’muman) who is vibrant and full of vim and vigor, and you have reached the rightful age of marriage as determined by your parents, resources and biology. And you have found a woman (mualan) who is also ripe for marriage as determined by her parents and her biology, what then do you have to do? In the days of old, our parents would search diligently for your mate, and recommend/impose them on you. But this custom has slowly given way to the situation in which the young man/woman selects whom he/she would like to marry. If, therefore, you have found the right man/woman to be engaged to, and later on be married to, Bafaw tradition and custom expects you to follow a series of steps/phases.

1. The young man should first approach the woman, to be sure that she is in accord with his proposal to marry him. This is necessary in all marriage situations to avoid any future embarrassments.

2. The young man should then inform his parents; most women would first give a hint to their mothers, who are, in my opinion better judges of their husbands/father’s temperament and reaction. Men may also do the same depending on their closeness to their mothers and/or fathers.

    If both your father and mother are in agreement with the idea, a process of private investigations by both families begins. In this investigation, issues of tribe, both family’s reputation and behavior in the community, family illnesses, the career of the man/woman and their ability to sustain a marriage relationship, their ability of the girl to have children, and the marriage history of both families, feature prominently in the investigations.

     It should be noted here that the fundamental purpose for marriage in the Bafaw tradition is for procreation. The man is looking for the woman who would carry his children and also be the mother of his children, while the woman is looking for a strong and handsome man who would be the father of her off springs. If the investigations do not reveal any major issues in the backgrounds of both families, then the man and woman are given the hint that they have made the right choice and it is now necessary to begin the formal marriage process.

     It is also very important for the man/woman to realize that in the Bafaw tradition, marriage is first and foremost, a relationship/union between a man and a woman, and also a relationship (union) between the two families engaged in this process. Also, in Bafaw tradition it is the man who initiates the process, that is, it is the man who marries a woman and not the opposite. A woman should not initiate the marriage process. Furthermore, it is the man’s family that shoulders the responsibility and financial costs for the marriage ceremony and not the woman’s family. The woman’s family may help with the expenses if they want to but they are not obligated to do so.

With this in mind, it is therefore important that the members of both families are informed about the traditional expectations of the ceremonies as they may not be both from the same ethnic group; they are also free to ask questions and state their objections or agreements at any point during the process. Marriage is therefore a family affair and not solely the concern of the man and the woman to be married.

Preparations for the Marriage: Phase One: The “KnockDoor Process” (Nkum’Eku)

Preparations for the marriage involve members of both families, especially the eldest members of the family, because they are the ones in both families, who would negotiate the union. After the information about the impending marriage is communicated to the members of both families, the man’s family members constitute a delegation of three to five individuals, including the father and/or mother to go and visit the woman’s parents to introduce themselves, their son and their proposal for him to marry one of their daughters. This discussion takes place at the home of the woman’s parents in a small ceremony called the KNOCK DOOR (Nkum’Eku). The date of this Knock Door visit is announced in advance, and the woman’s parents prepare to welcome their guests at their house. The man’s parents take with them the following:

i. One bottle or two, of a preferred “imported” strong drink Not “ afofo” (Palm wine and “afofo” was used in the days of old until the colonial governments banned the local gin in favor of their imported liquor.)

ii. Assorted Beer and Soft Drinks

iii. Some gifts, if they can afford.

On arrival at the home of their future in-laws, at an agreed date and time, preferably at sun down or early evening, the delegation of the man’s parents arrives and are seated and welcomed. Kola nut is introduced by the host family, and presented to the visitors by the head of that household, most likely the father of the family. The eldest individual in the visiting family receives the kola nuts and declares the purpose of their visit as a friendly family visit of joy.

     The kola nut ceremony then follows, and depending on the outcome of the kola nuts; the loabs are divided strictly by seniority to all members present. The libation ceremony is performed by the host and the drinks divided to all present. A meal is then served (optional) and a lot of talking and “getting to know” each other takes place. Once dinner is over, the host family offers drinks to the visitors and the festivity continues.

     The discussion is then interrupted by a “Call to Order” by the host, at which time; the visiting delegation is given the opportunity to present the “real” purpose of their visit. The eldest individual in the visiting delegation now takes the floor and proceeds as follows:

     “All of us in this village know that “a toad does not run around during the day for nothing. If it does, then maybe something such has a serpent has disturbed it from its hiding place.” We are that toad and something in this family has prompted our visit. (After this proverb, the spokesperson may follow with a traditional song which may give a hint to the host as to the purpose of this visit). Then he continues: “This village is a very big place but now it has become very small. And it seems that despite the distances between our homes, they are becoming closer” My wife was going to the market and passed by this house a month ago; to her surprise, she noticed that thin this compound were in full bloom. Since we are not blessed to have flowers that bloom like yours in our compound I have come here today to ask your permission, if I could, to have one of those flowers and take it back to my compound. I want my compound to be like yours. It is because of this that I have brought with me a small as a token of my respect for you and your household.”

     In principle, by this time the host family has already suspected the intention of their visitors, but they may still pretend that they have not yet captured the essence of the statements made. The conversation continues amidst song, laughter and more drinks for several minutes and the visitor is asked to be specific. At the right time, he now opens up and makes the following definitive statement: “we are here to request that one of your daughters should marry our son.” Once this is said, there is loud laughter of joy and jubilation from both parties present. With the permission of the visitors, the host family members retire to another room to consult with one another. If there is no opposition to the idea, they come back beaming with joy, smiles and happiness. This is followed by a short silence, and later, a response from the host in the following manner:

     “My people, when you announced your intention to visit us, my wife and I suspected that a member of our family may have trespassed on your property. Thank God, this is not the case. Both of our families have been in this town for a very long time. I have seen your children grow and have also silently wished that one day it will come to this.“A man cannot marry his own daughter- God forbid.” So we have heard your heart’s desire; when you are ready my family will be prepared to receive you. Thank you for this visit and gifts, and we hope you will stay a little longer tonight, so that we can entertain you.

The dialogue and discussion is very colorful in the Bafaw language, because it captures the essence of the occasion through song, actions and expressions. Proverbs and parables are central in communicating messages, and it may be very difficult for those who are not of that culture to understand the meanings of the songs, words spoken, the expressions made and the body language used throughout the occasion. Translation is provided for the visitors who may come from other clans, and who have their own traditions of marriage that are different from those of the Bafaw.

Traditional dancing, drinking and singing follow that declaration. When the visit is almost at its end, the host family then presents the visitors with a list of marriage requirements including all that they are expected to bring on an agreed date and time, to complete the marriage process. The date is not announced in this occasion. It is important to note here that it is not absolutely necessary for the couple to be married to be physically present during the” Knock Door” or marriage ceremony. In such a case, they will be represented by family members on both sides, during the ceremony.

The list of marriage items and expectations may vary depending on the family, village and input from other family members. It may also be altered by how “rich” the individual who is proposing to marry the woman and his family are. But in principle, the following list of items is expected:

1. One (1) large pig ( Ngwi e’Uwir)

2. Two (2) Bottles of Strong Drink ( Madi ma filier)

3. Two (2) Crates of Beer/Assorted (1x20 bottles) ( Bi kpim bi’Ndui)

4. One (1) jug of palm Wine (20 litres) (Elanga)

5. Two (2) Fowls ( a Cock and Hen) Njuma ku na ukon)

6. Two (2) Heads Of Tobacco or substitute ( Milu’mwini)

7. One Piece of Cloth ( Sanja er sisir)

8. One (1) tin of Oil (palm oil or vegetable oil) ( Nlunga n’lifu)

9. Two (2) Bags of Rice ( Bikpha bi wundi)

10. One (1) Bag of Salt ( Ekpha er Ukua)

11. Bowls of Cooked Food (Assorted Dishes) ( Mapan ma didia)

12. Gifts and Transportation for Family members from the Village (Ndiu)

13. Bride Price* ( Nga er uwir)

14. Daughter’s Mother and family

1. One (1) Bottle of Whiskey (Ekpin e madi ma filier)

2. One (1) Crate of Beer ( Bikpim bi Ndui)

3. One (1) Bag of Salt ( Ekpha e Ukua)

4. One (1) Bag of Rice ( Ekpha e Wundi)

5. One (1) Tin of Oil( Nlunga, n’lifu)

6. One Head of Tobacco or its substitute ( Nlu m’mwini)

7. One (1) Piece of cloth (6 yards) for mother’s ( Kaba er nya a’mwalan)

15. Daughter’s Father

1. Three (3) Fathoms of cloth ( 6 yards) (Sanja er Si sir)

2. One (1) Big Shirt ( (Shirty)

3. One (1) hat ( Ekputu)

4. One Walking Stick

16. Dresses, jewelry, shoes for the lady and gifts for her sisters if possible

     On the agreed date for the marriage ceremony, both families assemble dressed for the marriage ceremony in their best traditional attires. It is indeed a day of pomp and ceremony which is preceded by a lot of preparations by the host (woman’s) family members. All disagreements and other issues within that family are settled before that day, so as to enable the host family to show a united front to the visiting family. The house is cleaned and the compound tidied up. There is cooking, singing, laughter and joy in the woman’s compound and house while they await the arrival of their guests. The level of expectation is high and hearts are also beating to fever pitch in anticipation of what is going to happen later on this day.

The Traditional Marriage Ceremony (Ngando er Uwir)

The marriage begins when the host (father of the woman) stands up to welcome his guests. In the Bafaw tradition, the occasion begins with the offering of kola nuts, accompanied by words of welcome. The kola nuts are received by the visiting family, preferably by the eldest person in the group or the father of the man who is to be married, if no elder individual in his family is present. The visitors respond with greetings and some kind words also, and return the kola nuts to the host. The host then welcomes everyone and carries out the traditional rites of the kola nuts, followed by the libation.

In these two ceremonies, God (Diu/Obase/ Sisir) and all the ancestors of both families are invoked and requested to be present in this occasion spiritually to guide this occasion to a successful end. The prayers and incantations end with exhortations to the living that are present to always pray for “child birth, good health, and good strangers amongst us.” After both of these ceremonies are performed the marriage ceremony now begins in earnest.

     Representatives of the two families now retire to a separate room from the general audience, to begin the marriage discussions. Again, the man/woman may not be present; the ceremony will still take place. If the man is not present, a representative from his family will represent him during the deliberations. So too, if the girl is not present, one of her sisters will represent her. This is acceptable in the tradition. In fact the man does not have any direct role to play in these discussions if his uncles and parents are there. The lady is hidden throughout the deliberations and would only appear that evening, if the visiting family has satisfied all the requirements for the marriage. A spokesperson is appointed by the woman’s family and the negotiations begin, strictly between the eldest members present in the room. In Bafaw land, marriage cannot be conducted by young men and women. The process must be carried out by elders.

     In the room, the visiting family is requested to present the marriage items on the list that was provided to them before. They present the items one by one, under the strict scrutiny of members of the woman’s family. There are heated discussions on the quality, amount and size of some of the items requested. For example, a representative from the woman’s family is asked to determine the size of the pig. If he comes back with the conclusion that the pig is small, then a heated argument ensures, sometimes because the parents of the woman may consider that as an insult to them. Ultimately, after a protracted and heated argument, a compromise is reached and the visiting family is then asked to “add” some money on the pig to complete its quality and worth. In fact the size of the pig must be directly related to the beauty of the girl and the level of education that she has had. Marriage is sometimes seen as depriving the woman’s family of proceeds from their investment in the education of the woman. All the woman’s family is asking for is respect, and “adequate” compensation for the financial and emotional loss that they would suffer when the woman leaves her family and becomes a member of a new family.

     In Bafaw tradition and custom, a woman leaves her parents and family and marries into the new family of her new husband. She is, in principle, no longer part of her father’s family, and is not even entitled to any inheritance in her original family. If and when she dies, she is buried in the compound of the husband and not in her father’s compound. Should the couple be divorced, the woman’s family must return the bride price (only) back to the man’s parents. If this is not done, any children she has out of wedlock with another man belong to the first husband.

      Deliberations are loud, serious, combative and insulting, sometimes resulting in unfortunate situations, such as the woman’s parents walking out of the negotiations. It is not also uncommon for old wounds, past problems and issues to be brought to the surface, and in many cases threats against a successful marriage outcome could be made by both parties.

     It is also not uncommon for many young men and women to be disgusted, discouraged and disheartened about these protracted arguments. But this should not be the case, because there is more to these discussions than we often realize. The ultimate goal here is to arrive at a consensus with the woman’s parents, so that they can allow their daughter to be married to the man. Grand standing, anger, and unkind words from the man’s family always work at their disadvantage. All participants engaged in these discussions should be guided by the long-standing adage that: “the ends justify the means,” and not the “means justifying the ends.”

     The ultimate reason for bringing both families together is to unite the man and woman into a happy marriage. This vision/ends, must govern the strategy of the visiting family. Sometimes the issue may be compounded, if the man’s parents are not from the same ethnic group as the woman’s. In the final analysis, the union between the man and the woman must be the ultimate outcome of this meeting. When this agreement is reached and all the requirements are met by the man’s family to the satisfaction of the woman’s family, they all come out of the room jubilating that a deal has been reached and the marriage has to continue. The crowd also joins them in this celebration.

                 The Bride Price (Nga e Uwir)

     The most important aspect of a traditional marriage is the bride price. This issue has been misunderstood and misrepresented by many, and some have erroneously said that it is tantamount to selling the woman to the man, and that it is similar to slavery. While the amount of money requested may sometimes be alarming (e.g. 10 million francs), the issue needs some further explanation, to dispel the myths about the tradition. In my opinion, “bride price” could be equated to what is “fair” compensation for the family of the woman, who, after the marriage may/will lose all their rights over her, because she now belongs to her new husband’s family, and therefore, they will stand to benefit from her hard work and enterprise.

In Bafaw tradition, when a man marries a woman, she is obligated to leave her parent’s home to join the man’s family, that is, the husband’s family. From that date onwards, she cannot even own property in her father’s compound. She is now part of their husband’s family and will even be buried there. It is the thought of losing the “investment “in the woman that frightens many in the woman’s family, especially if they have spent a lot of their scarce resources to educate and raise the woman. The thought of letting the man benefit from such an investment is overwhelming. And, sometimes, it is often the case that when women get married to their husbands, they are prohibited by their husbands from supporting their own parents. It is thus the perception and thought of great loss, that perpetuates this habit of asking the man’s family to compensate the woman’s family for what they have invested in the woman. It is widely believed that marrying a well-to-do woman is value-added to the man’s family and a great loss to the woman’s family. But the simple fact is that the parents of the woman always want her to marry because they themselves cannot marry her, and they do not want her to have children out of marriage, which they will in turn have to take care of.

Therefore, in the ensuing deliberations, the man’s family should demonstrate that they do understand the worth of the woman and strategically bring this out in the discussions. In most cases, an astute spokesperson for the man’s family will accept to pay any amount of bride price levied, but in principle. He would then go ahead to explain why at this juncture it is practically impossible to come up with such an amount of money. It is important that he does not show any signs of surprise and anger, and his tone of speaking must be reconciliatory, empathetic and positive. Also, he should also insist that they have also spent a lot of money educating their son in a professional school or University. And it will also not be a good idea to bankrupt the man before the new couple starts a new home.

Furthermore, a common argument that is advanced may come in the form of an indirect threat, when the spokesman from the man’s family states in reply to their host that: “If we pay all of this money, therefore we should also never be expected to help any of you (the woman’s family) in future, even when any member of your family takes ill. And nobody knows what tomorrow will bring” With such words, expressed with calmness and wit, the temperature of the discussion is greatly reduced giving way to common sense and reason. Consequently, both families put their heads together to negotiate the bride price to an acceptable amount which is indicative of their commitment to take good care of the woman in her new family. Therefore, the bride price is a “token” of appreciation by the man’s family to the woman’s family for having raised her all these years without incident. The bride price is another way of saying “thank you” to the woman’s family.

     Now, what happens to the money that is paid by the man’s family to the woman’s family as bride price? It is important to note that the money can be spent in many ways. Some parents who are wise take one third of the money and keep it in the name of the woman, in case she would want to develop any special projects in the family compound later on. The other two thirds of the money are shared into two equal parts. One part goes the father, who in turn divides the money to all living members of his extended family, and the other third goes to the girl’s mother who also divides the money to all the living members of her family. The reason for doing so, is to ensure that everyone in both families become a witness to the marriage. The small money and food that they get is indicative of their support for the new marriage union. When problems arise in the marriage in the future it becomes the concern of everyone in the both families to see to it that the problem is solved amicably. And they do everything possible to resolve the marriage dispute. Divorce usually occurs when all avenues for family intervention have been exhausted.

     Paying the bride price is therefore a challenging aspect of the ceremony that requires intelligence, wit, intuition and experience. That is why the individual who is the most experienced and well known in the man’s family is charged with the responsibility of conducting these negotiations. Bride price in the Bafaw tradition is not dictated; rather, it is negotiated through much bargaining and a protracted discussion between the two sides. The woman’s family may suggest a bride price of 10 million francs cfa and end up getting only 50,000 francs cfa. It is an activity that provides the two families the opportunity to know each other better and to see how they would get along in the future, since their children are now married. It solidifies respect for each party, and, if the discussions go well as it often does, both families are re-assured that the new couple will have a successful marriage relationship.

     The bride price is therefore nothing to be afraid of in a marriage ceremony following Bafaw tradition and customs. It is rather a test of wit and ability to persuade the woman’s family that they are serious and ready to get their son married. Of course, there are many in the woman’s family who are greedy and would want to get as much money as possible from the visitors. Such individuals are always overcome by reason and the ultimate fact that they want their children to be married, and such a marriage must be a happy union of their children. Money is therefore NOT a primary consideration. Money is just a “means to an end and not an end in itself. All said and done, it is a wonderful and interesting event to experience. Ironically, throughout these negotiations the man has not yet been allowed to see his future wife. Where is she? She is still hidden somewhere in her parents or a neighbor’s house, waiting for the final verdict about the bride price negotiations.

      The Oath: The Drink and the Roasted Heart

     When the bride price is settled there is jubilation and singing marking the beginning of the festivities that must always accompany the marriage ceremony. Now, what happens to the other items that were presented by the woman’s family?

     The pig is slaughtered on the spot and divided into two equal parts. One part goes to the man’s parents and the other part goes to the woman’s family. Both families share their part of the meat and other items to all the members of their respective families. Any family member who attends the ceremony goes home with a piece of meat, including, rice, oil, salt other gifts, etc.

     Taking of the marriage oath is important in the traditional marriage ceremony. It is the climax of the ceremony and it is the moment for the woman to announce to the world that this is the man she intends to be married to. It is indeed the first time that the girl would be seen by the crowd. The oath taking is preceded by preparations at two levels. First, the women in the family gather to ensure that their daughter is well dressed, perfumed and adorned with flowers and other ornaments (preferably bought by the husband to be). They also take the opportunity, while preparing her for the appearance, to give her some final coaching about marriage and what she would be expected to do in the first few days at home with her husband. This short and stern lecture and counseling deals with topics relating to personal hygiene, her responsibilities in the house as a woman and the need to continue to welcome her father’s family members at her home when she is with her husband. The theme of this discussions centers on the fact that: “Do not ever forget us. “

     For the woman, this is an emotional period because after she takes the oath she now belongs to another family. In fact, she cannot sleep in her father’s house again, not even that night. The man’s father and family will take her along with them after the ceremony. Sometimes her emotions turn in sobs of joy, as she very well knows the oath will finally hand her the prize she has been waiting for. The man is also nervous because he has not seen his future wife throughout that day. And anything can happen. Maybe she may not show up. Some men drink to calm their nerves as they wait for that moment. The man is also surrounded by friends who tease him about the joy he is going to get when the girl finally becomes his wife and their first official night alone.

     The last step in preparing the marriage oath relates to the different items that are used for the oath. When the marriage pig is killed, the heart of the pig is handed over to an elderly and experienced woman in the woman’s family. She is then given the responsibility to roast the heart, after spicing the meat with traditional herbs and ingredients. The heart is roasted with a lot of prayers and love for the success of the union. For, it is the union that will bring forth children who will continue the lineages of both families. The aroma from the roasted heart gives the notice of what is to come next. As the crowd waits for the roasted meat, feasting, dancing and singing takes place and future love relationships between some of the young invited guests occur. Parents always invite their children to such occasions to expose them to other young children of the opposite sex who may one day become their future partners.

     When the festivities are at their fever pitch, the music and dance is suddenly interrupted by the girl’s family for the oath taking ceremony. First, the heart of the pig is used to symbolize “oneness” that is expected from this occasion; not only between the man and the woman, but also between the two families. Again, marriage in Bafaw tradition and custom is a union first and foremost between two individuals – a man and a woman, and secondly, between two families.

                                  THE OATH

     The girl is then invited to come and join the crowd. Before she comes out of her hiding place, other young ladies, preferably her sisters are presented to the visiting family to tease them. Sometimes these young and beautiful women are covered with expensive cloth. The girls are paraded in front of the man’s family to see if they can actually recognize their prospective wife. The man’s family is careful not to identify the wrong woman, as this could lead to many of other complications in the deliberations. In principle, the man’s family members are expected to give money and other gifts to the ladies who are now charged with bringing the prospective wife to the crowd and to the man. This ceremony, though frustrating at times, takes between thirty minutes to one hour of negotiations. The little gifts of money go directly to the women for their time, and willingness to help the family perform the act of introducing the girl.

     Finally, the girl is brought out amidst shouts of joy, jubilation and dancing. Recognizing her is usually easy because she is covered by the most expensive linen, compared to the other ladies that preceded her. Once she is recognized, her veil is taken off; there is a great outburst of joy and celebration. She then proceeds to sit down besides her father.

    The girl is then invited by the eldest family member or her father, who is holding a cup/glass of local palm wine and standing in front of the audience. She joins her father poised, anxious and ready to go. The girl is then posed the long-awaited question in the following manner:

‘    This is the wine that has been presented to us by our visitors, who intend to take your hand in marriage to their son. Should I drink it? The girl will then respond by, Yes/NO; Should I drink it? Response Yes/No. Should I drink it? The final response will be Yes/No. The presiding elder/father then drinks the full glass of wine and then fills the glass again. Then he instructs the girl: Take this wine and go into this crowd. When you see the man who you intend to be your husband, drink some of the wine in this glass and give him the rest to drink.

     There is absolute silence and you can hear a pin drop. There is also great anxiety on behalf of both families, in case the girl drinks the whole cup of wine or gives the other half to another individual or her brother. If the woman does not like the marriage, this is her opportunity to say so by either drinking the whole glass of wine or giving the rest of the wine to her brother whom she cannot marry. If she gives the wine to the wrong man he may be held responsible to pay the expenses incurred by the man’s family. If she does so then the ceremony will end abruptly, and angry exchanges from both sides will conclude the evening. But if she likes the man, she will take the cup of wine, stand close to him, take a sip of the wine and give him the rest to drink. By this act, she is announcing to the whole world that as from that moment she has found her husband. Both of them come in front of the crowd for blessings. Eating, singing and jubilation continues throughout the night.

     From the moment the girl declares that “this is my husband,” I leave it to your imagination to figure out the level, the pitch, the outburst of celebration that ensures. There is drinking and dancing to fever pitch.

     There is a second and very solemn way of taking the marriage oath among the Bafaw. It entails the use of the roasted heart of the pig. The woman will be given a piece of the meat to eat half of it, and give the other piece to her prospective husband. The same process occurs and if the girl is not in favor of the marriage she will take the same action described above by eating the whole piece of meat, or eating half and giving the rest to her brother, because technically, she cannot marry her brother. In such a case the marriage ceremony will end abruptly. In most cases, such eventualities are avoided in order not to bring shame on her family.

                            Taking the Family Oath

     The boy and the girl are invited to come to the front of the crowd. The two families are requested to identify two healthy (“Mpala’Muman””) young men who have great prospects of marriage, leadership and community building. They are both asked to take off their shirts. The roasted heart is put in a bowl and served with red palm oil. Both individuals from the two families feed each other, pieces of the roasted heart declaring as they eat: “I am giving you my sister/brother for marriage. Treat her/him as we have treated and welcomed you. Have a happy marriage life, feed her/him well, trust her/him and give her/him healthy off springs. But, should she/he do anything to annoy you, bring her back. Do not kill her.” The pieces of roasted heart are eaten and the red palm oil rubbed on the stomachs of both individuals by each other.

     It is interesting to note here that the oath is taken by representatives of the two families, underscoring the point I made earlier that, in Bafaw traditional marriage custom, marriage is also a union between two families, just as it is a union between the man and the woman. By taking the oath both families are undertaking through their respective representatives that they will do all they can to support the marriage. And if, in the course of time problems occur, they would also intervene to resolve them amicably. After the taking of the oath, the girl is now officially the wife of the man and changes her sit and sits with his family. At the conclusion of the ceremony, she is expected to follow her husband and new family to their home. She no longer has a place in her father’s house in principle.

     In conclusion, I have in these few pages, attempted to describe the traditional marriage ceremony of the Bafaw people in the South West of Cameroon. I have captured/scratched only the surface of the activities that take place during that period with the purpose of enlightening the reader on the basics of this tradition, and to dispel some of the myths that have being circulating about the process. I hope that the younger generation of Bafaw children, born in the Diaspora and in Cameroon, will take a closer and serious look at this a marriage alternative, because, maybe, in it, they will find some of the answers to today’s challenges confronting the modern institution of marriage. I have not compared the Bafaw tradition to any other marriage traditions in Cameroon or abroad; I will let the reader carry out these comparisons by themselves. Also, I should underscore what I said at the beginning that the marriage tradition among the Bafaw may vary based on the village you are in, and the people involved in the process. The tradition is not a “one size fits all”; it is just a suggestion of another alternative of marriage. If you allow me to add one ounce of wisdom to the discussion about marriage, I would state that marriage is a relationship between two people which has its foundation in their minds and hearts, not in their beauty, and other material possessions not even in what today we call “love. Love can fade away but it takes the resolve of your heart and mind to sustain a marriage relationship.

    Whenever I have been asked to define marriage, especially in today’s turbulent marriage environment, you will hear me refer to it as an essential societal institution that should unite the heart and soul of two people. Bu given what we see today, it has become an institution ‘in which those who are in want to come out and, those who are out are hurrying to come in.” It is indeed an important stage of every ones life, and the experience can be enjoyable and worthwhile if done the proper way. The traditional way is just one of such ways to do it well. In the case of the Bafaw, both families play a critical role in making sure this relationship succeeds. In fact they are what I would otherwise call the “shock absorbers” of the marriage relationship, accounting for its successes and longevity. Finally, I must add that in my opinion, it is a humbling experience, a test of patience, wit and intuition. If done well, it is gratifying to the heart. If not done well, the costs may be high for both the man and the woman. Marriage, like all other things in life is a paradox. Good can come out of a good marriage, and very often, evil can also come out of it too. I hope your experience following the Bafaw tradition, will be a positive one. Thank you, and as we say in Bafaw, “Masakan Jita,” for taking the time to read this piece.

 

***Dr. Henry Akwo Elonge is currently an Associate Professor of Public Administration with tenure teaching in the graduate program of the Department of Public Administration, Clark Atlanta University, Atlanta, Georgia. http://www.drakwoelonge.com You can reach Dr. Henry Akwo Elonge by E-mail@ aelonge@yahoo.com***