I am compelled by a
few reasons to write this piece on the institution of marriage among the Bafaw
in Kumba, Meme Division in the South West Province of Cameroon. For our
children who are born here in America, Europe and other parts of Africa and the
world, the Bafaw clan comprises of peoples who inhabit ten (10) villages in the
South West region of the Republic of Cameroon. Prominent among these villages
are: Kokobuma, Dikome, Bolo, Kombone, Kurume, Ikiliwindi, Mambanda, Dieka, Njanga
and Kumba. Most of the Bafaw villages are located along what is popularly known
as Mamfe Road., and Kumba is the most important Bafaw town and it is also the
most populated. It is popularly known and “K-Town.”
The first reason for
addressing this issue now is that many of the young Bafaw children have never
witnessed a Bafaw traditional marriage and neither have their parents educated
them on the process. Secondly, and legitimately so, many of us have began to
downplay the importance of traditional marriages in favor of other types of
marriages, while, some have taken upon themselves to degrade the institution of
traditional marriage in the African tradition. Lastly, some of our young ones
have made a conscious effort to inquire about traditional marriage and it is
therefore our duty to inform and educate them, should they one day, decide to
marry according to the Bafaw traditions and customs.
Before I continue, I
must first of all, make a disclaimer. I am not an expert on this subject and
many may question some of the statements and issues that I address in this
essay. Also, I am fully aware that as many as there are Bafaw villages, so too
do the marriage practices vary, as we move from one village to the other. In
fact, the requirements for the ceremony may also vary, depending on the
situation, the magnanimity of the in-laws (woman’s family), the timing and
place of the marriage ceremony, etc. But in essence, there are fundamental
principles of Bafaw marriage tradition and customs, and it is to these that I
will focus on.
What I will attempt
to capture here is the essence of the processes involved and the importance and
need for all Bafaw children to try to go through this process. I am not in any
way saying that Bafaw traditional marriage is more important than any other
types of marriages, but I am convinced as a Bafaw man that it is important for
all Bafaw children and all those who find the practice useful in their lives,
to marry following the dictates of the tradition. Why is it important to do so?
It is important because it legitimizes the marriage spiritually in the eyes of
God (Diu/Obase/Shi Sir) and at the realm of the ancestors of that family and
the clan; it also legitimizes the relationship in the eyes of the living
elders, family members, friends and the community. Most importantly, it gives
the two who are to be married the peace of mind that is necessary for them to
live happily together without attributing any mishaps in the marriage to the
anger of family members and/or the ancestors.
Significance of the Traditional Marriage
Among the Bafaw, the
traditional marriage is a sacred institution with deep spiritual and physical
implications. Of course, our God (Diu/Obase/Shi Sir) has made it possible for
us to be born, and so too, did God (Diu) make it possible for our parents who
came before us, and those yet to be born who would come after us. Therefore,
according to the Bafaw tradition, the primary reason for marriage is to
procreate. Children are therefore the products of a happy union between two or
more married people. I say two or more individuals because in our Bafaw
tradition it is not uncommon for some men to practice polygamy. But polygamy is
optional and not compulsory in the culture. It is a matter of choice and not a
traditional injunction. Contrary to the misperceptions regarding the
institution of polygamy, in that it is primarily because men love sex too much,
or they wanted many children to work in their farms as slaves, there are two
reasons why this tradition prevailed in many African traditions. First, in the
past, life expectancy was very low due to the lack of medical services.
Therefore it was not uncommon for men to have large families for fear that the
other children would not live long because so many children died at an early age.
Secondly, a lot of men died in wars resulting in the over abundance of women in
these societies. Therefore, polygamy became an accepted norm which was rather a
matter of personal choice than a traditional imperative. In fact, I am indeed a
child of a polygamous home.
Starting the Process:
Courtship (Eningan/Ndolo)
Now supposing that
you are a young Bafaw man (mpala’muman) who is vibrant and full of vim and
vigor, and you have reached the rightful age of marriage as determined by your
parents, resources and biology. And you have found a woman (mualan) who is also
ripe for marriage as determined by her parents and her biology, what then do
you have to do? In the days of old, our parents would search diligently for
your mate, and recommend/impose them on you. But this custom has slowly given
way to the situation in which the young man/woman selects whom he/she would
like to marry. If, therefore, you have found the right man/woman to be engaged
to, and later on be married to, Bafaw tradition and custom expects you to
follow a series of steps/phases.
1. The young man
should first approach the woman, to be sure that she is in accord with his
proposal to marry him. This is necessary in all marriage situations to avoid
any future embarrassments.
2. The young man should
then inform his parents; most women would first give a hint to their mothers,
who are, in my opinion better judges of their husbands/father’s temperament and
reaction. Men may also do the same depending on their closeness to their
mothers and/or fathers.
If both your father
and mother are in agreement with the idea, a process of private investigations
by both families begins. In this investigation, issues of tribe, both family’s
reputation and behavior in the community, family illnesses, the career of the
man/woman and their ability to sustain a marriage relationship, their ability
of the girl to have children, and the marriage history of both families,
feature prominently in the investigations.
It should be noted
here that the fundamental purpose for marriage in the Bafaw tradition is for
procreation. The man is looking for the woman who would carry his children and
also be the mother of his children, while the woman is looking for a strong and
handsome man who would be the father of her off springs. If the investigations
do not reveal any major issues in the backgrounds of both families, then the
man and woman are given the hint that they have made the right choice and it is
now necessary to begin the formal marriage process.
It is also very
important for the man/woman to realize that in the Bafaw tradition, marriage is
first and foremost, a relationship/union between a man and a woman, and also a
relationship (union) between the two families engaged in this process. Also, in
Bafaw tradition it is the man who initiates the process, that is, it is the man
who marries a woman and not the opposite. A woman should not initiate the
marriage process. Furthermore, it is the man’s family that shoulders the
responsibility and financial costs for the marriage ceremony and not the
woman’s family. The woman’s family may help with the expenses if they want to
but they are not obligated to do so.
With this in mind, it
is therefore important that the members of both families are informed about the
traditional expectations of the ceremonies as they may not be both from the
same ethnic group; they are also free to ask questions and state their
objections or agreements at any point during the process. Marriage is therefore
a family affair and not solely the concern of the man and the woman to be
married.
Preparations for the Marriage: Phase One: The “KnockDoor
Process” (Nkum’Eku)
Preparations for the
marriage involve members of both families, especially the eldest members of the
family, because they are the ones in both families, who would negotiate the
union. After the information about the impending marriage is communicated to
the members of both families, the man’s family members constitute a delegation
of three to five individuals, including the father and/or mother to go and
visit the woman’s parents to introduce themselves, their son and their proposal
for him to marry one of their daughters. This discussion takes place at the
home of the woman’s parents in a small ceremony called the KNOCK DOOR
(Nkum’Eku). The date of this Knock Door visit is announced in advance, and the
woman’s parents prepare to welcome their guests at their house. The man’s
parents take with them the following:
i. One bottle or two,
of a preferred “imported” strong drink Not “ afofo” (Palm wine and “afofo” was
used in the days of old until the colonial governments banned the local gin in
favor of their imported liquor.)
ii. Assorted Beer and
Soft Drinks
iii. Some gifts, if
they can afford.
On arrival at the
home of their future in-laws, at an agreed date and time, preferably at sun
down or early evening, the delegation of the man’s parents arrives and are
seated and welcomed. Kola nut is introduced by the host family, and presented
to the visitors by the head of that household, most likely the father of the
family. The eldest individual in the visiting family receives the kola nuts and
declares the purpose of their visit as a friendly family visit of joy.
The kola nut ceremony
then follows, and depending on the outcome of the kola nuts; the loabs are
divided strictly by seniority to all members present. The libation ceremony is
performed by the host and the drinks divided to all present. A meal is then
served (optional) and a lot of talking and “getting to know” each other takes
place. Once dinner is over, the host family offers drinks to the visitors and
the festivity continues.
The discussion is
then interrupted by a “Call to Order” by the host, at which time; the visiting
delegation is given the opportunity to present the “real” purpose of their visit.
The eldest individual in the visiting delegation now takes the floor and
proceeds as follows:
“All of us in this village know that “a toad
does not run around during the day for nothing. If it does, then maybe
something such has a serpent has disturbed it from its hiding place.” We are
that toad and something in this family has prompted our visit. (After this
proverb, the spokesperson may follow with a traditional song which may give a
hint to the host as to the purpose of this visit). Then he continues: “This
village is a very big place but now it has become very small. And it seems that
despite the distances between our homes, they are becoming closer” My wife was
going to the market and passed by this house a month ago; to her surprise, she
noticed that thin this compound were in full bloom. Since we are not blessed to
have flowers that bloom like yours in our compound I have come here today to
ask your permission, if I could, to have one of those flowers and take it back
to my compound. I want my compound to be like yours. It is because of this that
I have brought with me a small as a token of my respect for you and your
household.”
In principle, by this
time the host family has already suspected the intention of their visitors, but
they may still pretend that they have not yet captured the essence of the
statements made. The conversation continues amidst song, laughter and more
drinks for several minutes and the visitor is asked to be specific. At the
right time, he now opens up and makes the following definitive statement: “we
are here to request that one of your daughters should marry our son.” Once this
is said, there is loud laughter of joy and jubilation from both parties
present. With the permission of the visitors, the host family members retire to
another room to consult with one another. If there is no opposition to the
idea, they come back beaming with joy, smiles and happiness. This is followed
by a short silence, and later, a response from the host in the following
manner:
“My people, when you announced your intention
to visit us, my wife and I suspected that a member of our family may have
trespassed on your property. Thank God, this is not the case. Both of our
families have been in this town for a very long time. I have seen your children
grow and have also silently wished that one day it will come to this.“A man
cannot marry his own daughter- God forbid.” So we have heard your heart’s
desire; when you are ready my family will be prepared to receive you. Thank you
for this visit and gifts, and we hope you will stay a little longer tonight, so
that we can entertain you.
The dialogue and
discussion is very colorful in the Bafaw language, because it captures the
essence of the occasion through song, actions and expressions. Proverbs and
parables are central in communicating messages, and it may be very difficult
for those who are not of that culture to understand the meanings of the songs,
words spoken, the expressions made and the body language used throughout the
occasion. Translation is provided for the visitors who may come from other
clans, and who have their own traditions of marriage that are different from
those of the Bafaw.
Traditional dancing,
drinking and singing follow that declaration. When the visit is almost at its
end, the host family then presents the visitors with a list of marriage
requirements including all that they are expected to bring on an agreed date
and time, to complete the marriage process. The date is not announced in this
occasion. It is important to note here that it is not absolutely necessary for
the couple to be married to be physically present during the” Knock Door” or
marriage ceremony. In such a case, they will be represented by family members
on both sides, during the ceremony.
The list of marriage
items and expectations may vary depending on the family, village and input from
other family members. It may also be altered by how “rich” the individual who
is proposing to marry the woman and his family are. But in principle, the
following list of items is expected:
1. One (1) large pig
( Ngwi e’Uwir)
2. Two (2) Bottles of
Strong Drink ( Madi ma filier)
3. Two (2) Crates of
Beer/Assorted (1x20 bottles) ( Bi kpim bi’Ndui)
4. One (1) jug of
palm Wine (20 litres) (Elanga)
5. Two (2) Fowls ( a
Cock and Hen) Njuma ku na ukon)
6. Two (2) Heads Of
Tobacco or substitute ( Milu’mwini)
7. One Piece of Cloth
( Sanja er sisir)
8. One (1) tin of Oil
(palm oil or vegetable oil) ( Nlunga n’lifu)
9. Two (2) Bags of
Rice ( Bikpha bi wundi)
10. One (1) Bag of
Salt ( Ekpha er Ukua)
11. Bowls of Cooked
Food (Assorted Dishes) ( Mapan ma didia)
12. Gifts and
Transportation for Family members from the Village (Ndiu)
13. Bride Price* (
Nga er uwir)
14. Daughter’s Mother
and family
1. One (1) Bottle of
Whiskey (Ekpin e madi ma filier)
2. One (1) Crate of
Beer ( Bikpim bi Ndui)
3. One (1) Bag of
Salt ( Ekpha e Ukua)
4. One (1) Bag of
Rice ( Ekpha e Wundi)
5. One (1) Tin of
Oil( Nlunga, n’lifu)
6. One Head of
Tobacco or its substitute ( Nlu m’mwini)
7. One (1) Piece of
cloth (6 yards) for mother’s ( Kaba er nya a’mwalan)
15. Daughter’s Father
1. Three (3) Fathoms
of cloth ( 6 yards) (Sanja er Si sir)
2. One (1) Big Shirt
( (Shirty)
3. One (1) hat (
Ekputu)
4. One Walking Stick
16. Dresses, jewelry,
shoes for the lady and gifts for her sisters if possible
On the agreed date
for the marriage ceremony, both families assemble dressed for the marriage
ceremony in their best traditional attires. It is indeed a day of pomp and
ceremony which is preceded by a lot of preparations by the host (woman’s)
family members. All disagreements and other issues within that family are
settled before that day, so as to enable the host family to show a united front
to the visiting family. The house is cleaned and the compound tidied up. There
is cooking, singing, laughter and joy in the woman’s compound and house while
they await the arrival of their guests. The level of expectation is high and
hearts are also beating to fever pitch in anticipation of what is going to
happen later on this day.
The Traditional Marriage Ceremony (Ngando er Uwir)
The marriage begins
when the host (father of the woman) stands up to welcome his guests. In the
Bafaw tradition, the occasion begins with the offering of kola nuts,
accompanied by words of welcome. The kola nuts are received by the visiting family,
preferably by the eldest person in the group or the father of the man who is to
be married, if no elder individual in his family is present. The visitors
respond with greetings and some kind words also, and return the kola nuts to
the host. The host then welcomes everyone and carries out the traditional rites
of the kola nuts, followed by the libation.
In these two
ceremonies, God (Diu/Obase/ Sisir) and all the ancestors of both families are
invoked and requested to be present in this occasion spiritually to guide this
occasion to a successful end. The prayers and incantations end with
exhortations to the living that are present to always pray for “child birth,
good health, and good strangers amongst us.” After both of these ceremonies are
performed the marriage ceremony now begins in earnest.
Representatives of
the two families now retire to a separate room from the general audience, to
begin the marriage discussions. Again, the man/woman may not be present; the
ceremony will still take place. If the man is not present, a representative
from his family will represent him during the deliberations. So too, if the
girl is not present, one of her sisters will represent her. This is acceptable
in the tradition. In fact the man does not have any direct role to play in
these discussions if his uncles and parents are there. The lady is hidden
throughout the deliberations and would only appear that evening, if the
visiting family has satisfied all the requirements for the marriage. A
spokesperson is appointed by the woman’s family and the negotiations begin,
strictly between the eldest members present in the room. In Bafaw land,
marriage cannot be conducted by young men and women. The process must be
carried out by elders.
In the room, the
visiting family is requested to present the marriage items on the list that was
provided to them before. They present the items one by one, under the strict
scrutiny of members of the woman’s family. There are heated discussions on the
quality, amount and size of some of the items requested. For example, a
representative from the woman’s family is asked to determine the size of the
pig. If he comes back with the conclusion that the pig is small, then a heated
argument ensures, sometimes because the parents of the woman may consider that
as an insult to them. Ultimately, after a protracted and heated argument, a
compromise is reached and the visiting family is then asked to “add” some money
on the pig to complete its quality and worth. In fact the size of the pig must
be directly related to the beauty of the girl and the level of education that
she has had. Marriage is sometimes seen as depriving the woman’s family of
proceeds from their investment in the education of the woman. All the woman’s
family is asking for is respect, and “adequate” compensation for the financial
and emotional loss that they would suffer when the woman leaves her family and
becomes a member of a new family.
In Bafaw tradition
and custom, a woman leaves her parents and family and marries into the new
family of her new husband. She is, in principle, no longer part of her father’s
family, and is not even entitled to any inheritance in her original family. If
and when she dies, she is buried in the compound of the husband and not in her
father’s compound. Should the couple be divorced, the woman’s family must
return the bride price (only) back to the man’s parents. If this is not done,
any children she has out of wedlock with another man belong to the first
husband.
Deliberations are
loud, serious, combative and insulting, sometimes resulting in unfortunate
situations, such as the woman’s parents walking out of the negotiations. It is
not also uncommon for old wounds, past problems and issues to be brought to the
surface, and in many cases threats against a successful marriage outcome could
be made by both parties.
It is also not
uncommon for many young men and women to be disgusted, discouraged and
disheartened about these protracted arguments. But this should not be the case,
because there is more to these discussions than we often realize. The ultimate
goal here is to arrive at a consensus with the woman’s parents, so that they
can allow their daughter to be married to the man. Grand standing, anger, and
unkind words from the man’s family always work at their disadvantage. All
participants engaged in these discussions should be guided by the long-standing
adage that: “the ends justify the means,” and not the “means justifying the
ends.”
The ultimate reason
for bringing both families together is to unite the man and woman into a happy
marriage. This vision/ends, must govern the strategy of the visiting family.
Sometimes the issue may be compounded, if the man’s parents are not from the
same ethnic group as the woman’s. In the final analysis, the union between the
man and the woman must be the ultimate outcome of this meeting. When this
agreement is reached and all the requirements are met by the man’s family to
the satisfaction of the woman’s family, they all come out of the room
jubilating that a deal has been reached and the marriage has to continue. The
crowd also joins them in this celebration.
The Bride Price (Nga e Uwir)
The most important
aspect of a traditional marriage is the bride price. This issue has been
misunderstood and misrepresented by many, and some have erroneously said that
it is tantamount to selling the woman to the man, and that it is similar to
slavery. While the amount of money requested may sometimes be alarming (e.g. 10
million francs), the issue needs some further explanation, to dispel the myths
about the tradition. In my opinion, “bride price” could be equated to what is
“fair” compensation for the family of the woman, who, after the marriage
may/will lose all their rights over her, because she now belongs to her new
husband’s family, and therefore, they will stand to benefit from her hard work
and enterprise.
In Bafaw tradition,
when a man marries a woman, she is obligated to leave her parent’s home to join
the man’s family, that is, the husband’s family. From that date onwards, she
cannot even own property in her father’s compound. She is now part of their
husband’s family and will even be buried there. It is the thought of losing the
“investment “in the woman that frightens many in the woman’s family, especially
if they have spent a lot of their scarce resources to educate and raise the
woman. The thought of letting the man benefit from such an investment is
overwhelming. And, sometimes, it is often the case that when women get married
to their husbands, they are prohibited by their husbands from supporting their
own parents. It is thus the perception and thought of great loss, that
perpetuates this habit of asking the man’s family to compensate the woman’s
family for what they have invested in the woman. It is widely believed that
marrying a well-to-do woman is value-added to the man’s family and a great loss
to the woman’s family. But the simple fact is that the parents of the woman
always want her to marry because they themselves cannot marry her, and they do
not want her to have children out of marriage, which they will in turn have to
take care of.
Therefore, in the
ensuing deliberations, the man’s family should demonstrate that they do
understand the worth of the woman and strategically bring this out in the
discussions. In most cases, an astute spokesperson for the man’s family will
accept to pay any amount of bride price levied, but in principle. He would then
go ahead to explain why at this juncture it is practically impossible to come
up with such an amount of money. It is important that he does not show any
signs of surprise and anger, and his tone of speaking must be reconciliatory,
empathetic and positive. Also, he should also insist that they have also spent
a lot of money educating their son in a professional school or University. And
it will also not be a good idea to bankrupt the man before the new couple
starts a new home.
Furthermore, a common
argument that is advanced may come in the form of an indirect threat, when the
spokesman from the man’s family states in reply to their host that: “If we pay
all of this money, therefore we should also never be expected to help any of
you (the woman’s family) in future, even when any member of your family takes
ill. And nobody knows what tomorrow will bring” With such words, expressed with
calmness and wit, the temperature of the discussion is greatly reduced giving
way to common sense and reason. Consequently, both families put their heads
together to negotiate the bride price to an acceptable amount which is
indicative of their commitment to take good care of the woman in her new
family. Therefore, the bride price is a “token” of appreciation by the man’s
family to the woman’s family for having raised her all these years without
incident. The bride price is another way of saying “thank you” to the woman’s
family.
Now, what happens to
the money that is paid by the man’s family to the woman’s family as bride
price? It is important to note that the money can be spent in many ways. Some
parents who are wise take one third of the money and keep it in the name of the
woman, in case she would want to develop any special projects in the family
compound later on. The other two thirds of the money are shared into two equal
parts. One part goes the father, who in turn divides the money to all living
members of his extended family, and the other third goes to the girl’s mother
who also divides the money to all the living members of her family. The reason
for doing so, is to ensure that everyone in both families become a witness to
the marriage. The small money and food that they get is indicative of their
support for the new marriage union. When problems arise in the marriage in the
future it becomes the concern of everyone in the both families to see to it
that the problem is solved amicably. And they do everything possible to resolve
the marriage dispute. Divorce usually occurs when all avenues for family
intervention have been exhausted.
Paying the bride
price is therefore a challenging aspect of the ceremony that requires
intelligence, wit, intuition and experience. That is why the individual who is
the most experienced and well known in the man’s family is charged with the
responsibility of conducting these negotiations. Bride price in the Bafaw
tradition is not dictated; rather, it is negotiated through much bargaining and
a protracted discussion between the two sides. The woman’s family may suggest a
bride price of 10 million francs cfa and end up getting only 50,000 francs cfa.
It is an activity that provides the two families the opportunity to know each
other better and to see how they would get along in the future, since their
children are now married. It solidifies respect for each party, and, if the
discussions go well as it often does, both families are re-assured that the new
couple will have a successful marriage relationship.
The bride price is
therefore nothing to be afraid of in a marriage ceremony following Bafaw
tradition and customs. It is rather a test of wit and ability to persuade the
woman’s family that they are serious and ready to get their son married. Of
course, there are many in the woman’s family who are greedy and would want to
get as much money as possible from the visitors. Such individuals are always
overcome by reason and the ultimate fact that they want their children to be
married, and such a marriage must be a happy union of their children. Money is
therefore NOT a primary consideration. Money is just a “means to an end and not
an end in itself. All said and done, it is a wonderful and interesting event to
experience. Ironically, throughout these negotiations the man has not yet been
allowed to see his future wife. Where is she? She is still hidden somewhere in
her parents or a neighbor’s house, waiting for the final verdict about the
bride price negotiations.
The Oath: The Drink and the Roasted Heart
When the bride price
is settled there is jubilation and singing marking the beginning of the
festivities that must always accompany the marriage ceremony. Now, what happens
to the other items that were presented by the woman’s family?
The pig is
slaughtered on the spot and divided into two equal parts. One part goes to the
man’s parents and the other part goes to the woman’s family. Both families
share their part of the meat and other items to all the members of their
respective families. Any family member who attends the ceremony goes home with
a piece of meat, including, rice, oil, salt other gifts, etc.
Taking of the
marriage oath is important in the traditional marriage ceremony. It is the
climax of the ceremony and it is the moment for the woman to announce to the
world that this is the man she intends to be married to. It is indeed the first
time that the girl would be seen by the crowd. The oath taking is preceded by
preparations at two levels. First, the women in the family gather to ensure
that their daughter is well dressed, perfumed and adorned with flowers and
other ornaments (preferably bought by the husband to be). They also take the
opportunity, while preparing her for the appearance, to give her some final
coaching about marriage and what she would be expected to do in the first few
days at home with her husband. This short and stern lecture and counseling
deals with topics relating to personal hygiene, her responsibilities in the
house as a woman and the need to continue to welcome her father’s family
members at her home when she is with her husband. The theme of this discussions
centers on the fact that: “Do not ever forget us. “
For the woman, this
is an emotional period because after she takes the oath she now belongs to
another family. In fact, she cannot sleep in her father’s house again, not even
that night. The man’s father and family will take her along with them after the
ceremony. Sometimes her emotions turn in sobs of joy, as she very well knows
the oath will finally hand her the prize she has been waiting for. The man is
also nervous because he has not seen his future wife throughout that day. And
anything can happen. Maybe she may not show up. Some men drink to calm their
nerves as they wait for that moment. The man is also surrounded by friends who
tease him about the joy he is going to get when the girl finally becomes his
wife and their first official night alone.
The last step in
preparing the marriage oath relates to the different items that are used for
the oath. When the marriage pig is killed, the heart of the pig is handed over
to an elderly and experienced woman in the woman’s family. She is then given
the responsibility to roast the heart, after spicing the meat with traditional
herbs and ingredients. The heart is roasted with a lot of prayers and love for
the success of the union. For, it is the union that will bring forth children
who will continue the lineages of both families. The aroma from the roasted
heart gives the notice of what is to come next. As the crowd waits for the
roasted meat, feasting, dancing and singing takes place and future love
relationships between some of the young invited guests occur. Parents always
invite their children to such occasions to expose them to other young children
of the opposite sex who may one day become their future partners.
When the festivities
are at their fever pitch, the music and dance is suddenly interrupted by the
girl’s family for the oath taking ceremony. First, the heart of the pig is used
to symbolize “oneness” that is expected from this occasion; not only between
the man and the woman, but also between the two families. Again, marriage in
Bafaw tradition and custom is a union first and foremost between two
individuals – a man and a woman, and secondly, between two families.
THE OATH
The girl is then
invited to come and join the crowd. Before she comes out of her hiding place,
other young ladies, preferably her sisters are presented to the visiting family
to tease them. Sometimes these young and beautiful women are covered with
expensive cloth. The girls are paraded in front of the man’s family to see if
they can actually recognize their prospective wife. The man’s family is careful
not to identify the wrong woman, as this could lead to many of other
complications in the deliberations. In principle, the man’s family members are
expected to give money and other gifts to the ladies who are now charged with
bringing the prospective wife to the crowd and to the man. This ceremony,
though frustrating at times, takes between thirty minutes to one hour of
negotiations. The little gifts of money go directly to the women for their
time, and willingness to help the family perform the act of introducing the
girl.
Finally, the girl is
brought out amidst shouts of joy, jubilation and dancing. Recognizing her is
usually easy because she is covered by the most expensive linen, compared to
the other ladies that preceded her. Once she is recognized, her veil is taken
off; there is a great outburst of joy and celebration. She then proceeds to sit
down besides her father.
The girl is then
invited by the eldest family member or her father, who is holding a cup/glass
of local palm wine and standing in front of the audience. She joins her father
poised, anxious and ready to go. The girl is then posed the long-awaited
question in the following manner:
‘ This is the wine that has been presented to us by our
visitors, who intend to take your hand in marriage to their son. Should I drink
it? The girl will then respond by, Yes/NO; Should I drink it? Response Yes/No.
Should I drink it? The final response will be Yes/No. The presiding
elder/father then drinks the full glass of wine and then fills the glass again.
Then he instructs the girl: Take this wine and go into this crowd. When you see
the man who you intend to be your husband, drink some of the wine in this glass
and give him the rest to drink.
There is absolute
silence and you can hear a pin drop. There is also great anxiety on behalf of
both families, in case the girl drinks the whole cup of wine or gives the other
half to another individual or her brother. If the woman does not like the
marriage, this is her opportunity to say so by either drinking the whole glass
of wine or giving the rest of the wine to her brother whom she cannot marry. If
she gives the wine to the wrong man he may be held responsible to pay the
expenses incurred by the man’s family. If she does so then the ceremony will
end abruptly, and angry exchanges from both sides will conclude the evening.
But if she likes the man, she will take the cup of wine, stand close to him,
take a sip of the wine and give him the rest to drink. By this act, she is
announcing to the whole world that as from that moment she has found her
husband. Both of them come in front of the crowd for blessings. Eating, singing
and jubilation continues throughout the night.
From the moment the
girl declares that “this is my husband,” I leave it to your imagination to
figure out the level, the pitch, the outburst of celebration that ensures.
There is drinking and dancing to fever pitch.
There is a second and
very solemn way of taking the marriage oath among the Bafaw. It entails the use
of the roasted heart of the pig. The woman will be given a piece of the meat to
eat half of it, and give the other piece to her prospective husband. The same
process occurs and if the girl is not in favor of the marriage she will take
the same action described above by eating the whole piece of meat, or eating
half and giving the rest to her brother, because technically, she cannot marry
her brother. In such a case the marriage ceremony will end abruptly. In most
cases, such eventualities are avoided in order not to bring shame on her
family.
Taking the Family Oath
The boy and the girl
are invited to come to the front of the crowd. The two families are requested
to identify two healthy (“Mpala’Muman””) young men who have great prospects of
marriage, leadership and community building. They are both asked to take off
their shirts. The roasted heart is put in a bowl and served with red palm oil.
Both individuals from the two families feed each other, pieces of the roasted
heart declaring as they eat: “I am giving you my sister/brother for marriage.
Treat her/him as we have treated and welcomed you. Have a happy marriage life,
feed her/him well, trust her/him and give her/him healthy off springs. But,
should she/he do anything to annoy you, bring her back. Do not kill her.” The
pieces of roasted heart are eaten and the red palm oil rubbed on the stomachs
of both individuals by each other.
It is interesting to
note here that the oath is taken by representatives of the two families,
underscoring the point I made earlier that, in Bafaw traditional marriage
custom, marriage is also a union between two families, just as it is a union
between the man and the woman. By taking the oath both families are undertaking
through their respective representatives that they will do all they can to
support the marriage. And if, in the course of time problems occur, they would
also intervene to resolve them amicably. After the taking of the oath, the girl
is now officially the wife of the man and changes her sit and sits with his
family. At the conclusion of the ceremony, she is expected to follow her
husband and new family to their home. She no longer has a place in her father’s
house in principle.
In conclusion, I have
in these few pages, attempted to describe the traditional marriage ceremony of
the Bafaw people in the South West of Cameroon. I have captured/scratched only
the surface of the activities that take place during that period with the
purpose of enlightening the reader on the basics of this tradition, and to
dispel some of the myths that have being circulating about the process. I hope
that the younger generation of Bafaw children, born in the Diaspora and in
Cameroon, will take a closer and serious look at this a marriage alternative,
because, maybe, in it, they will find some of the answers to today’s challenges
confronting the modern institution of marriage. I have not compared the Bafaw
tradition to any other marriage traditions in Cameroon or abroad; I will let
the reader carry out these comparisons by themselves. Also, I should underscore
what I said at the beginning that the marriage tradition among the Bafaw may
vary based on the village you are in, and the people involved in the process.
The tradition is not a “one size fits all”; it is just a suggestion of another
alternative of marriage. If you allow me to add one ounce of wisdom to the
discussion about marriage, I would state that marriage is a relationship
between two people which has its foundation in their minds and hearts, not in
their beauty, and other material possessions not even in what today we call
“love. Love can fade away but it takes the resolve of your heart and mind to
sustain a marriage relationship.
Whenever I have been
asked to define marriage, especially in today’s turbulent marriage environment,
you will hear me refer to it as an essential societal institution that should
unite the heart and soul of two people. Bu given what we see today, it has
become an institution ‘in which those who are in want to come out and, those
who are out are hurrying to come in.” It is indeed an important stage of every
ones life, and the experience can be enjoyable and worthwhile if done the
proper way. The traditional way is just one of such ways to do it well. In the
case of the Bafaw, both families play a critical role in making sure this
relationship succeeds. In fact they are what I would otherwise call the “shock
absorbers” of the marriage relationship, accounting for its successes and
longevity. Finally, I must add that in my opinion, it is a humbling experience,
a test of patience, wit and intuition. If done well, it is gratifying to the
heart. If not done well, the costs may be high for both the man and the woman.
Marriage, like all other things in life is a paradox. Good can come out of a
good marriage, and very often, evil can also come out of it too. I hope your
experience following the Bafaw tradition, will be a positive one. Thank you,
and as we say in Bafaw, “Masakan Jita,” for taking the time to read this piece.
***
Dr. Henry Akwo Elonge is currently
an Associate Professor of Public Administration with tenure teaching in the
graduate program of the Department of Public Administration, Clark Atlanta
University, Atlanta, Georgia. http://www.drakwoelonge.com
You can reach Dr. Henry Akwo Elonge by
E-mail@ aelonge@yahoo.com***
